CULTURE | Want to learn how to break up with a friend? Dude, just do it.

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Toxic friends.

We’ve all had them. For whatever the reason, certain platonic relationships just tank. And when that happens, most of us feel trapped. Unlike romantic relationships, which we all learn to accept are generally temporary, we’re socialized to believe that friendships should last forever. It’s the “bros before hos, sistas before misters” mentality. You can’t just dump a friend.

Actually, you can. In fact, if a friendship isn’t working for you anymore, you should. Toxic friends, just like toxic relationships, are a waste of your time. They limit your future happiness, they stress you out, and they’re just not worth it.

In the interests of improving your life, we’ve compiled a list of the most notorious toxic friends, their identifying characteristics, and possible ways to kick them to the curb. Think of it as Feng Shui for your friendships.

1. The Competitor

Superficially supportive, the Competitor wants to know how much you make and what you got on that last exam because he needs to beat you. While annoying and transparent throughout, the Competitor’s claws will only really come out if he perceives that you’re pulling ahead. When you do, the relationship will quickly deteriorate into vaguely hostile comments, faux-comedic jibes, or out and out rage.

Cut Em Loose

No need to be direct, just do your best to kick his ass at everything. Make the Competitor feel like the mayor of Loser City, force him to accept the constant bitterness of defeat, and with any luck, this toxic friend will scuttle away on his own. Problem solved.

2. The Sad Sack

This person always needs to talk – in the middle of the night, during your favourite show, at the movies, at coffee, etc. What sucks about the Sad Sack is that he never wants to listen. He’s an emotional sponge and he’s sucking you dry. If he’d just return the favour once in awhile, things might be different, but he won’t. Sad Sacks care only about themselves.

Say Sayonara

Phase him out. The Sad Sack is a whiner, not a fighter. Cut conversations short, stop making dates, and screen your calls. It’s cowardly, but it’s also one of the easiest ways out of a relationship. If cornered, admit that your heart just isn’t in it anymore. Suggest Sad Sack see a therapist instead.

3. The Ego Maniac

Usually bereft of anything resembling normal social skills, the Ego Maniac doesn’t have many friends – most people just can’t handle how fabulous she is. That’s why she likes you! You’re never jealous, intimidated, threatened, or any of the other things the Ego Maniac imagines have driven others to run screaming for the nearest bar.

Kick Her to the Curb

You’ve got to spell it out. Let this toxic friend know that you’re ditching her because she an obnoxious, deluded, socially retarded mess. It’s your civic duty to attempt to set this lunatic straight. She’ll just think you’re jealous anyway.

4. The Friend with Judging Eyes

Judging Eyes disdains your agnostic tendencies, thinks your gay friends are “just confused”, and lets you know she’s “praying for you”. (Gee, thanks!) I once knew a girl who found my watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer to be “seriously offensive”, so it does happen. Hang this hypocrite. Friends need not be hedonistic, but they do have to respect you.

Bye Bye Bible Bunny

Actually, Judging Eyes might not devastated to see you go. You’re a bad influence anyway. Telephone or email to tell her that you don’t really feel you can keep interacting with someone who doesn’t respect you. She’ll continue to pray her little head off on your behalf, but it won’t be so annoying when it’s not so in your face.

5. The Mean Beeotch

She doesn’t even like you anymore. For whatever reason, this one-time friend has become a back stabbing, nasty Beeotch. So why hang on? Once a friendship disintegrates into meanness, sarcasm and/or any form of relationship poaching, it can’t be saved. The Mean Beeotch obviously has something against you, and you can’t force him or her to tell you what it is. What you can do is get out.

It’s Not Me, It’s You

The Mean Beeotch is likely to respond with hostility, so keep the dumping as brief and straightforward as you can. Air specific grievances if you must, but don’t get drawn into an argument. It’s all about the clean break. If you can, try to get the last word. Practice blocking sender, hanging up and walking away. And don’t feel guilty. Some people just suck.

A version of “How to break up with a friend” published under the headline “Spring cleaning” in Dose magazine, April 7, 2005 and appears below.

2018: I think of the early-to-mid-aughts as the very early days of Huff-post style journalism.

The listicle and the idea of “click bait” were both in their infancy. I clearly took to the form quickly. (It’s so gross. Also, WHY DO I KEEP USING THE WORD “beeotch“? WTF? I truly truly hate myself. :()

Still, this is perhaps a notable piece in that, while it contains a lot of vague, passive-aggressive nonsense, its seed is a topic that actually interests me. As time went on, pieces about friendship (both for professional publications, but also in my blog) would become something of a theme for me, though I would grow up (albeit slowly) in regards to my treatment of friendship as subject matter.

Also, (and not for nothing), I think listicles like this one are such an illuminating example of word-mill journalism (otherwise known now as “content creation”). It’s incredibly vapid. Mostly just word-vomit intended to fill space designed for ads. (Ads ads ads.) And it follows that being at Dose and being forced to produce this trash at a breakneck pace would be demoralizing, which I think partly explains why I turned to long-form blogging. I needed a serious palate cleanser after all this worthless bile.

Published in Dose, April 7, 2005.