CULTURE | 2018: I am so deeply ashamed of this piece and pieces like it.

What the fuck was I even talking about in this anti-feminist monstrosity of a listicle? The fatphobia is out of control/sickening. For the record, “overweight” is a bullshit, made-up, faux-medical term that I would never use today. And body-size and health are not obviously or reliably related. And Morgan Spurlock is a rapist monster and his “documentary” was full of lies and bullshit. This whole piece is just such a fucking disgusting little vaguely-polished turd for so many reasons and I’m sorry. I include it her for posterity, I suppose.

A version of this cats in movies piece entitled “What we love today: big screen kitties” was originally published in the Vancouver Sun, June 11, 2004. See clipping below.

Catwomen: Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether, Eartha Kitt.

They’re a favourite adornment of office cubicles everywhere, proclaiming everything from “I Hate Mondays” to “I’m Not a Morning Person”, and now the feline phenomenon is sweeping Hollywood, but … why?

Cats in movies are a thing.

Is it their grace and agility? Their exceptional night vision? Their keen hunting skills? No. It’s the fact that they sleep all day, tend to get fat when they’re confined to the house, and don’t care if you’re dead or alive, as long as you have a can opener.

What we really love about cats is that, in the movies at least, they embody some of the less-accepted things we wish we ourselves could be. And while we’re still purring over Shrek 2’s irresistible Puss-in-Boots, here are a few other big screen cats that make us meow:

The Sex Kitten

Sure, Halle Berry’s hot, but give her a skin-tight leather jumpsuit, a pair of pointy ears, and an affinity with an animal the grooms itself with its tongue and she’s on fire. And if Berry’s character in the upcoming Catwoman borders on skank (as Michelle Pfeiffer and Julie Newmar’s earlier incarnations did) we can forgive her. She’s a feline fatale, after all. She can’t help herself.

The Phat and Lazy

The gluttonous Garfield, opening in theatres this week, is addicted to lasagne, overweight and sedentary, yet he suffers no ill-effects from his bad behaviour. Apparently Supersize Me didn’t really register in cat-land.

The Cat in the Bad Hat

Dr. Seuss’ renegade feline parties hard and leaves behind a wrecked house and a really stubborn ring around the bathtub. No dish soap hands for him. Lucky … cat.

The Catty Bitch

While movie cats are generally, well … catty, some studios go so far as to portray them as pure evil, as is the case with the maniacal Mr. Tinkles in Cats & Dogs. These cats get to say the sorts of scathing things most of us only dream of.

The Sophisticat

Sly and irreverent, stylish and confident, the Pink Panther has been charming people for more than 40 years. If only we could play the kinds of pranks this cat does.

The Aristocat

Or cats, rather. In Disney’s animated film from 1970, these cats have a rough time in the wild – letting us mock the rich and ridiculous without putting a fur out of place.

When it comes to movie cats, we’re definitely smitten, but in terms of real-life kitties, please refer to Janeane Garofalo in 1996’s The Truth About Cats and Dogs: “You can love your pets, just don’t love your pets.” Meow. – Jennifer Selk

What We Love Today was an ongoing series in the Vancouver Sun. I was asked to fill the space several times. Here’s a link to my first one.

Published June 11, 2004 in The Vancouver Sun.