Paris Hilton’s Confessions almost witty
BOOKS | Headline-making heiress reveals no insight, debunks no myths, rebuts no scandals.
Book jacket: Confessions of an Heiress, 2004.
Paris Hilton is making headlines again. (Don’t get your hopes up – it’s not another sex tape.) The 23-year-old great-granddaughter of hotel magnate Conrad Hilton has, like her Hollywood cohort Pamela Anderson, co-written a book.
Confessions of An Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose debuted amid a flurry of media attention earlier this month. Hardly a surprise, considering the author. Her appearance even merited pickets by culture advocates protesting her right to celebrity.
But low culture has currency these days, and Hilton keeps tossing us just enough bait to keep us interested, even as we trek off to our film festival documentaries. Just last month, the loss of Hilton’s Chihuahua Tinkerbell caused a frenzy of media activity and an outpouring of sympathy from fans and animal lovers (before Paris remembered she’d simply left the dog at her grandparents’ place).
Don’t expect Confessions to be a traditional autobiography or tell-all. The book doesn’t provide any insight into her real private life, debunk any myths, or respond to any scandals.
All Hilton really seems to want to do is give you a few tips on “how to be an heiress.” It’s an almost-philanthropic gesture, albeit one for which we are not sure whether we’re grateful.
Chapters range from the straight-forwardly titled My Fashion Don’ts – pages devoted to regrettable outfits that seemed right at the time, to the almost-witty My Best Accessories – that’s boyfriends, not bags.
But we’ve decided to create a more concise guide to the Hilton lifestyle than Paris provides in her book. Our five favourite tips are:
- Be Born Into The Right Family. (Okay, got that wrong already.)
- Have Absolutely Flawless Skin. (Eat junk food and sleep with your makeup on, too. Heiresses are magic.)
- Wear Really, Really Low-Waisted Jeans. (“I know everyone says they’re over,” she writes, “but I don’t care. I think they’re hot.”)
- Sweatsuits “should be very feminine and only in colours like red, pink or blue.” And no working out in them. (Sweaty people are gross.)
- “Eat sushi, because the coolest and best-looking people eat sushi.” (Okay, in Vancouver we can probably manage that.)
Paris Hilton promotes her book in 2004.
And no, it doesn’t get any better than that.
After the first few chapters, Hilton begins talking more about her family and her “day job.”
She reveals that in addition to her busy modelling and acting schedule, she’s been secretly working on her first album, which she hopes to release later this year.
Get your sleeping bags and head down to the Virgin Megastore. I’m sure you won’t be sorry.
While we doubt Paris is going to be producing any quality music in the next little while, the truth is that this book isn’t really all bad.
Hilton’s privileged upbringing, designer clothes and vapid ideas might be a bit annoying, but at its heart, Confessions of an Heiress is a glossy little confection that’s packed with enough photos to satisfy even the most voracious gossip magazine junkie.
The book’s underlying message (which is that you should be confident, individual, and able to laugh at yourself) is actually quite sweet. Sure, it’s meant to be funny (the title tells you that right away), but the bottom line is that this book just isn’t funny enough to warrant the $32 sticker price.
Unless, of course, you’re an heiress, too. In which case, you don’t need this book. And Paris doesn’t need your money.
A version of “Paris Hilton’s Confessions almost witty” published in the Vancouver Sun, October 2, 2004. Very short 2018 update below the photo of the clip.
Published October 2, 2004 in The Vancouver Sun.
2018: What a catty little read, right?
I feel vaguely proud of this piece, even 14 years later, because I can see how I’m beginning to inject a little more personality into my writing work, and gaining confidence in my own opinions. Would those opinions be the same today? Likely not, but I am proud of my baby self and her little barbs, nonetheless.