REVIEW | He’s Just Not That Into You, 2004.

New self-help guide is sexist and condescending in the extreme.

Book jacket: He’s Just Not That Into You, 2004.

DATING | Oprah isn’t always right. Don’t get me wrong, I love the show. I even understand why some people think she should be president. What I don’t understand is why she would feature on her show a book as sexist, manipulative, and condescending as the new self-help guide, He’s Just Not That Into You, helping to send the book, and its concept into the stratosphere.

He’s Just Not That Into You is flying off of shelves, topping best-seller lists, and becoming the handbook of choice for singles. Co-authored by Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt (both former Sex and the City writers, though the original concept was Behrendt’s), the book boils down every relationship problem to its single title sentence. It claims that no matter what, if a guy disappoints you in any way, he’s just not that into you.

But you know what? He’s Just Not That Into You is trash.

Letting men take the reins when it comes to dating is supposed to free the husband-hunters from troublesome relationships that aren’t going anywhere. The problem is that after reading this book, you might not feel particularly free.

These romantic guidelines are even more restrictive and dated than those in the ‘90s version of this genre, The Rules. No matter how much I like a guy, this book tells me that I am never (under any circumstances) to call him or ask him out. That would be scheming, plotting, or begging for a man – unattractive and completely unnecessary. Guys who like you enough will pursue you relentlessly, say Behrendt. How does he know this? Simple. He’s a guy.

Behrendt asserts that because he is a guy, he knows “how a guy thinks, feels and acts.” “Men are not complicated,” he writes. They “are driven by sex.” They “would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, ‘you’re not the one.’” In short, men “are pathetic.”

It’s all Behrendt’s personal opinion. And he’s clearly a deluded misogynist.

Backed only by his own experiences as a player, and his informal surveys of very few men (50 would be a generous estimate), this dude’s research is nonexistent. Even so, the book is peppered with deceptive statistics, beginning with “100 per cent of men polled say …”

In the interests of fairness, I decided to conduct my own informal poll. I even had a guy do some of the surveying for me. Surprise, surprise, none of the men we spoke to agreed with the authors in any way. Maybe we’re just more together up here in Canada.

My own experience in the dating field also contradicts the premise of this book.

Nearly three years ago, I met a guy and I knew pretty much immediately that I liked him a lot. It seemed like the feeling was mutual, and he even asked for my number. But 10 days later I still hadn’t heard from him.

I was confused. Had my instincts been off? I wanted to understand what I had misinterpreted, so I called him. Big mistake, according to He’s Just Not That Into You.

The book reads everything, every excuse as “a polite rejection.” The book reminds us that “just because you like to lead, doesn’t mean he wants to dance.” Translation: Women who go after what they want are aggressive and undesirable. What you want doesn’t matter. What he wants does. The book also insists that, “if he wants to find you, he will.” Even if you live in New York City and your last name is Smith.

Behrendt, looking like he wasted the pretty.

Tuccillo, all out of pretty. Whoops.

Most offensively, this book tells women not to “waste the pretty.”

What I think Behrendt means by this is that we shouldn’t waste our lives with men who don’t treat us very well – and he’s right about that. Unfortunately, the real implication of a catch phrase like “don’t waste the pretty” is that we shouldn’t waste our supposedly attractive years, because without our youth, we lose much of our desirability.

The truth is that the strategy is hit or miss. Some men have a problem with women who telephone then. Some don’t. I know which sort of guy I’d rather be with.

Sex and the City was a very funny show, but it was television.

It was fiction. In real life, if you like a guy and you exchange numbers, you have no way of knowing if he’ll ever call. You can’t control another person’s actions. What you can do is pick up the phone and call him. You can play an active, interested role in your own future. What’s the worst that could happen? At the very least, you’ll know where you stand, and that you tried.

So what happened to the guy I tracked down and called? Three years later, we’re living together.

Now that’s liberating.

A version of “He’s Just Not That Into You is trash” published in the Vancouver Sun, October 13, 2004. Original headline: “Passive women the ideal? Give this book a swift kick”. See below.

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Published October 13, 2004 in The Vancouver Sun.