BOOKS | Sometimes knowing what not to read is as important as knowing what you should.

Particularly since the bestseller list can be deceiving. So what to read? Well, I write about books and authors pretty regularly, so go ahead and check that out for recommendations, but in the meantime, I thought I’d give you a little help with what not to read as well.

First off, a blanket statement: Celebrities. They’re not novelists. Avoid in all but the rarest of circumstances.

There’s just something unsavoury about the celebrity crossover. And all of a sudden, it’s not just your perfumes and home-grilling systems that are being affected. Your books are in danger too! Sure, most celebrities choose the children’s route when attempting to flex their literary muscles, but there are a few brave souls who’ve tried their hands at traditional novels. Some of the stinkiest of stinkers in this category are in my list, but there’s are some non-celeb surprises to come too.

Read on! Or rather, don’t.

Jacket: He’s Just Not That Into You, 2004.

He’s Just Not That Into You by Liz Tuccillo and Greg Behrendt.

Managing to be a misogynist nightmare for women and men, this self-help tome paints ladies as dithering idiots who make excuses for bad men, and dudes as little more than sex-crazed monkeys.

Confessions of an Heiress by Paris Hilton (and her minions).

Want advice on how to be an heiress? “Be born into the right family.” Done! Other shining insights include crap along the lines of “Paris without the P is heiress, isn’t it?” Um, no. It’s not.

Star: A Novel by Pamela Anderson.

This fictionalized version of Anderson’s silicone-slick life features a young, buxom hottie named Star who appears in “Mann Magazine”, and on a sitcom called “Hammer Time”, and in a beach series called “Lifeguards Inc.”. ‘Nuff said?

Jacket: The Hottest State by Ethan Hawke, 1996.

The Broker by John Grisham.

Intrigue! Chase! Happy ending! Sound familiar? That’s because Grisham’s written this book before. So many times. If the stale plot doesn’t bore you to tears, the wordy pastoral descriptions of the Italian scenery will.

The Hottest State, Ethan Hawke.

Look, I know this book came out in 1996, but I keep seeing it poking out of people’s bags and like, why? When it came out, it was called “one of the least pretentious things ever written by someone with a goatee” by Newsweek magazine. I disagree. It’s a coming of age story, sure, and it’s supposed to be sort of sad and sweet, but like, just watch Before Sunrise and be done with it. Oh and while you’re at it, you might also want to avoid…

Ash Wednesday, also Ethan Hawke.

Look, I don’t want to slam too hard on poor Ethan and his goatee. His books actually aren’t terrible. They’re just … novels by Ethan Hawke. Do you really need to read a novel by Ethan Hawke?

2018:  Before Dose actually launched in April of 2005, we spent several months working on mock ups and focus groups and planning future content. This terrible listicle was written for filler purposes and never actually published in the so-called magazine. I can’t imagine why not, can you? I would go on to write a weekly book column, which is pretty shocking, considering.

Also, why on earth did I write this nonsense that turned into an awkward hit piece on Ethan Hawke, who really isn’t a bad novelist at all. What did I have against the dude?