2018 | In the summer of 2005, the fact that Dose sucked felt so normal, I barely thought about it. 

Now, I think back to my time at Dose as the biggest mistake of my young life, and certainly the biggest mistake of my career. While I didn’t know quite what I was in for when I took the job, the second I realized, instead of trying to make the best of it, attempting to work harder and harder in the hopes of finally living up to the insanely exploitative labour expectations, and never questioning the idiocy of the content I was supposed to put my name on, I should have turned lazy, barely worked out my contract, said no to half of the assignments I was given, and then quit at the first opportunity.

I was so young and so stupid. I thought I was supposed to be grateful for what was literally the worst job I’d ever had, and would prove to be the worst job I ever would have.

Live and learn I guess.

Never was the idiocy of Dose more apparent than when I was assigned to work on listicles. The how to look chic piece was bad. The how to break up with a friend piece worse. The wedding survival guide was embarrassing. The city versus suburbs piece nightmarish. Things just kept going downhill.

This brings me to group listicles, which were the absolute worst of the bunch.

Photo by Shalone Cason on Unsplash

Basically, other reporters who were smarter than I was at the time, would think up and pitch listicles that would require content from various “Dose cities” and that content would be assigned to city-specific reporters like myself.

I was never smart enough to do this. My bylines were my own (or I wanted them to be) and since pitches I was proud of were already morphing into cringe-worthy content by the time they made it through the editing process, I had no desire to give up even more control.

I shouldn’t have cared. Could have saved myself a lot of time.

Anyway, one of the most idiotic group listicles I was assigned was a piece about how Dose‘s cities could fit in with the “seven deadly sins.”

Nope. I’m not kidding. Like, it would be a travel piece? About how Toronto could be the city of Lust? Something like that.

Now, because I have copious notes from this time in my life, I can share with you the text of the emails I received, instructing me to take on this brilliant project.

These are screen grabs. Exactly as I got them. I’ve cropped out email address and last names to protect the … innocent? (Just kidding. I cropped that shit because fuck these jerkwads.)

First, the Sin City email from a senior editor, Duncan.

Next, the forwarded email that was nested below Duncan’s.

I was in Vancouver, so I was lucky enough to get the “Sloth” assignment.

The piece as I submitted it is as follows. Below that you’ll see the clip of what actually published in print. Please keep in mind that I had to do research for this shit. I also had to go all the way to fucking Wreck Beach, at least a 30 minute drive from my place (and I didn’t own a car) to beg nude people to let me talk to them to get a couple of measly quotes. It took hours. This is all just such a perfect example of how (and how much) Dose sucked. It was the fucking worst.

Sloth: Vancouver

Vancouverites are famed for their beach-lazing tendencies, and nowhere is the laziness more pronounced than at Canada’s largest clothing optional beach: Wreck. Beach bums literally sun theirs on Wreck sands all year long and refreshments sold by fanny-pack-bedecked vendors tend to be of the cannabis and bud variety. Not only are drugs sold the old fashioned way, you can also buy “special” foods like brownies and cookies, ‘shrooms, and plenty of booze to wash it down with. Though patrolled regularly by police, Wreck beachers’ illegal activities are rarely shut down.

That’s nothing new to Vancouverites. A couple of years ago, former RCMP UBC detachment Staff Sgt. Barry Hickman reportedly staged a Canada Day long weekend crackdown at Wreck, seizing hundreds of beers and arresting six people, but these days, beach goers say busts are rare. “We’re not hurting anybody,” said Rufus Schneider, 49, a Wreck regular. “They tend to let us be.”

See below for the version of this piece that published with the final listicle on August 16, 2005. To follow along my entire nightmarish Dose journey, look for the “journalist life” tag and head back to the earliest posts you can find to read the whole sordid story in bits and pieces. Want to read about how I first got into writing and journalism? Look for the baby writer tag and you’ll find all my earliest professional works.

Published in Dose, August 16, 2005.