CULTURE | Could you be cheating and not even know it? Is emotional infidelity a real thing?

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

Experts say emotional infidelity is real, but word on the street is divided. People can’t even agree on what constitutes cheating (just kissing, or full blown sex?) let alone on whether you can do it without ever touching someone.

We spoke to everyone we could get our hands on (psychological experts, readers, randos, my entire email contact list) to try to shed some light on this controversial issue. Here’s what they had to say. (Warning, it’s very long!)

First, what the heck is emotional infidelity?

According to one Dr. April Westfall, of the Philadelphia-based Council for Relationships, the concept of emotional infidelity was first delineated by the late Shirley Glass (a famed relationship and infidelity expert) around 1990.

At that time, Dr. Glass identified the three key elements that define an emotional affair, and distinguish it from a platonic relationship. Those three elements are:

• sexual chemistry (obviously?)
• secrecy (keeping the relationship from the primary partner or spouse)
• sharing (emotional sharing with the person outside of the primary relationship)

Okay, but it seems like there are a still a lot of questions.

Is emotional infidelity real infidelity? The experts say yes.

“People will oftentimes defend it as not really a betrayal, because it’s not real sex. Maybe it’s virtual sex, but even when there are exchanges, they’ll say they have no real meetings, so what does it hurt? But when you look at people’s self reports, they are much more honest … I think the element of secrecy is critical … it’s the element of deception of secrecy that creates the element of distance.” –Westfall

“Emotional infidelity can be described as an inappropriate, on-going, non-physical but intimate relationship, during which thoughts and feelings are closely shared or disclosed to someone else outside the committed relationship. When one partner embarks on an ‘internet affair’… there is no physical contact, but the written exchange tends to be intimate, emotional, and sexually charged – and significantly – kept secret from one’s partner. In essence, this kind of relationship becomes an affair – even if the correspondents don’t meet. Energy is being devoted to maintaining it – energy which would normally be used within a marriage or committed relationship. When discovered, spouses or partners feel a deep sense of betrayal in much the same way as if they have been cheated on in the traditional sense.”–Gillian McLean, Counsellor, Vancouver, M.Ed., RCC. [website defunct, but she’s also featured here]

“To be human, with intact sexuality, is to find other people attractive. What you do about that defines the quality of your primary relationship. Components of emotional infidelity include feelings of infatuation, of being in love, a sense of having a future with someone outside your relationship; thoughts of wanting to leave your partner for another, a shift in priorities away from directing all your energy into the happiness you could share with your partner to fantasies and/or plans with another, comparing the other person to your partner and finding (or imagining) that what is lacking or defective in your current relationship will be provided by the other love interest. All resulting in a shutting down of a part of your connection with your partner in order to experience thoughts and feelings about the other person.” –Jaminie Hilton, Counsellor and Therapist, Vancouver

Regular folks aren’t quite as wordy, but our readers (largely) agreed, in their own unique ways.

“Romantic, emotional involvement/relationship with someone other than your partner is what I consider cheating. Physical encounters with others don’t bother me. One night stands are fine, dates are not.” –Ariel Benibgui, 26

“Spending the night cuddling and talking and forming a mental connection is just as bad to me as my significant other having sex with someone else. –Angie Dimitrou, 25

“Emotional Infidelity is a bullshit term invented by psychiatrists.” –Dave Biltmore, 29 (I said largely, not entirely.)

So why is emotional infidelity on the rise? Let’s blame the internet, right? And secrecy. That’s the real crime.

“Visiting strip clubs, viewing pornography and heavy flirting can also be seen as forms of emotional infidelity – if excessive and interfering with a relationship. Energy devoted to these pursuits can short-change the emotional quality of a relationship, and along with ‘computer cheating’, suggest problems which need addressing.” –McLean

“Secrecy and deception in any form are affairs of a kind, but while couples often debate about whether something is a friendship or more than that, it’s important to remember that this is not a black or white thing. And it really happens gradually, over time for a lot of people. People often talk about not having expected it, not having seen it coming, not knowing something was wrong – I think that’s because this sort of relationship does develop so slowly (for most people who aren’t sociopathic or addicted to affairs, of course). –Westfall

So how common is it? Where does emotional infidelity thrive? Work, for one thing.

“Emotional affairs are very common these days. They are likely to happen in professional situations – when people are working together on a regular basis, and so begin spending time together – and also over the internet … This sort of affair is very accessible. Surveys have been done that say that half of all the affairs women have are with coworkers.”–Westfall

“It seems to happen with old friends or coworkers that when you spend all day with them that you begin to bond emotionally.” –Nick L—, 26

“If you can cheat emotionally, then men are doing it all the time. They all wack off to internet porn. They all go to strip clubs, or see strippers at bachelor parties. And they all fantasize about your friends and their coworkers. That’s how they get away with it. They’re not actually doing anything.” –Jamie Kennison, 32

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

So it’s pretty easy and very common, but how damaging is it? Very. And not just for the perceived victim.

“The problem with being emotionally close to a third party is not necessarily the emotional closeness itself. After all, one is entitled to experience, within one’s mind, any emotion one likes. The problem is that emotional closeness puts one in a position of temptation to overtly behave in a way that threatens the original relationship. People think they can resist the temptation, but they are living in la-la land.” –Howard E. Halpern, Counsellor, Toronto [site defunct]

“Emotional infidelity is more damaging than physical … It is the violation of the sense of being loved, special, the centre of your partner’s universe, the only number one that shakes the heart of the bond. It can be an earthquake to the union, complete with after-shocks. Broken trust is broken trust.” –Hilton

“It is very damaging to a relationship.” –Dr. Bea Mackay, Counsellor, Vancouver

“Cheating, whether you’re the cheater or the cheatee, and no matter how you do it, makes one feel cheap and used. Like a ‘quick fix’ for whatever is emotionally or sexually frustrating at the moment. Cheating is a tool to get somewhere, it’s not the place you want to be.” –Christy N—, 26

“I have emotionally cheated on someone and I felt completely horrible after the fact. I was deceitful and horrible for hurting someone I cared about.” –Justin Bartlett, 19

Okay, but men are from Mars, women are from … I forget, but who’s more likely to commit emotional infidelity? Does dividng this along gender lines even make sense?

“Usually women are very distressed if their partners are emotionally involved with another person, and distressed, but not as distressed, by sexual involvement. Usually, it is the opposite for men … Woman care more about emotion than sex. For men, being sexual with a woman is a very intimate experience, which tends to lead them to being more emotionally intimate with a woman. Also, there are anthropological reasons that men care about sex more than emotion, such as domination and territorial reasons and needs.” –Mackay

“When women have emotional affairs, they are often related to dissatisfaction with existing relationships, and the affair ends more often in divorce. Men, in contrast, may be seeking sexual diversity. So men’s affairs are less likely to result in divorce or separation. Men, as well as women, are more likely to have affairs with colleagues at work than in other arena, but it’s also happening a lot these days over the Internet. Men, oftentimes, are more typically going to frequent sex chat rooms, and make use of pornography and that sort of thing. They may start out with a more purely sexual element, whereas women are likelier to start out with a friendship or more emotional relationship that then develops into something else.” –Westfall

“I don’t see a gender difference. In my experience, men are equally shattered if they learn that their partner is sharing emotional intimacy with another. If your beloved can find a deep bond with another it brings up questions, for everyone, of inadequacy: what does he/she have that I lack?” –Hilton

So how does it happen? Surely, no one sets out to have an emotional affair? 

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

“We live in a society where, unfortunately, standards have dropped. Infidelity has become acceptable … The issue is not whether the infidelity is emotional, intellectual, or physical. The issue is the infidelity itself … Couples need to have clarity as to exclusivity and commitment. In other words, they need to communicate on this subject and clarify what the rules are. These are negotiable, according to the values of each person. Then, the challenge is to discipline oneself to keep one’s promise, whether one feels like it or not.” –Halpern–HiltonHilton

“I see emotional infidelity more in ages 30 and up. People in their 20s are more likely to just move on if they’re not satisfied. In longer relationships people have had more time to strive for the closeness and commonalities they want to share with their partner, which means they may have experienced more failed attempts and more frustration. It is the hopelessness, and the loneliness that develop over time. They have a greater investment in the longterm relationship, and are more likely to find themselves dizzy with love for another while not wanting to leave the current partnership.” –Hilton

The experts say it’s the secrets and lies that are the real problem, not the other emotional relationship in and of itself.

“Secrecy … can then lead to feelings of insecurity, anxiety, anger, or betrayal … If you are sharing deep, intimate feelings with someone outside your relationship, even though there is no sexual or physical component, and if that prevents you from disclosing those same feelings and concerns to your partner, beware! This can particularly apply to having overly-close friends of the opposite sex. Be careful! There is nearly always someone ready to listen. Remember that to become emotionally over-involved with someone at the expense of your relationship, even if there’s no sex, can amount to emotional infidelity.” –McLean

“Sometimes it happens in a pretty insidious way, and then there is an eroding of closeness. That element of lying, of putting someone in a position of primacy when you already have a partner – that sort of thing is pretty destructive … these relationships often have that element of almost unrequited love. And if someone were to see the two of you together, what would they feel, looking at the two of you? There is typically pretty strong flirtation and connection even if it doesn’t lead to a stronger sexual relationship. Watch out for that.” –Westfall

Maybe they’re just living in “la la land” as Halpern said, but some couples, even those who’ve talked about it, just can’t get on the same page when it comes to emotional infidelity.

For example, readers Kathleen and Jesse are a live-in couple who’ve been dating for over a year, and they don’t agree on what constitutes cheating.

Kathleen says, “I think cheating is any behaviour that you do with/towards another person that you’d want to hide from your partner. For example, flirting can be innocent or there can be actual intention behind it. If it is just innocent fun then you wouldn’t be worried about your partner finding out, or afraid of telling them what occurred.  If you feel shameful and want to hide your actions, then you shouldn’t have been doing them!” Jesse disagrees: “If the bra and/or underwear and or/panties are off then that is cheating.”

As for emotional infidelity, they have conflicting ideas about whether or not it even exists, which brings us back to our first question. Kathleen says, “a lot of people may be able to forgive an infidelity that was ‘just sex’, having an emotional attachment to someone else would be much more difficult to deal with.” For his part, however, Jesse says he doesn’t know what emotional infidelity is. “I think it means thinking about cheating on your partner,” he says.  “And I do that about 100 times a day with Jessica Simpson.”

The thing is, however you go about it, cheating hurts. Our readers have felt this pain, and you likely have, too. 

“I got cheated on by my high school girlfriend. She got all buddy buddy with a good friend of mine. I didn’t suspect anything ‘cause I’ve known him for a long time and we were tight. Then they started making out and everyone knew about it but me. Finally I found out when someone forced her to tell me. I’m pretty sure she’s dead right now. Dead, or crazy in a crazy dead person hospital. Good riddance, bitch!” –Michael J—, 25

“Yes, I have been cheated on. And it is the biggest slap in the face you can get. I don’t really know what else to say about it. I was absolutely devastated. –Lesley Stavness, 24

Photo by Matthew Kwong on Unsplash

Those who are the cheaters, however, are sometimes pretty quick to defend themselves, though hilariously ironic about their double standards.

“I’ve cheated three times. I always tried to make myself feel better or discount it as ‘fake’ cheating. It only occurred in the first or last few weeks of a relationship, but … it was definitely cheating. If I had been caught … I would probably have felt pretty awful … I don’t think I’ve ever been cheated on, but I’d imagine that would be a deal breaker in most relationships for me. Of course I’ve been the other guy, literally hiding in the bathroom while the real boyfriend visits, and I gotta say I didn’t feel that bad. That is probably because I didn’t know the guy, and I was more concerned about how to flee out the fourth story window if I might be discovered. :)” –Craig S—, 26

“The only time I cheated was when I was much much younger and my relationships weren’t as deep or emotional as they became as I matured … And I felt guilty, but really, I felt relief once I came clean and was broken up with. I guess it was a lazy way to get out of a relationship. As for being cheated on, not that I know of, but I have a strong suspicion … I know in my gut he did, but I really am happy I don’t know the details. The humiliation, embarrassment, and pain it would uncover to know those details would be very great and useless. I’m over him but to have that resurface would be sucky.” –Shellee Rogers, 25

What about youthful indiscretions? Do those matter? Teenage brains aren’t even fully developed! As long as you learn your lesson, maybe?

“I have cheated, when I was young (16). It was with someone I’d known a long time (not that that makes it alright) and it was impulsive. I felt horrible right after, and informed the person I was with. We talked about it and nothing too dramatic came of it. He forgave me. I don’t agree with cheating. And I think that if someone is inclined to do so, they shouldn’t be with whomever they are with at the time. I have never done it again, nor will I.” –Leslie L—, 25

Plenty of the folks we talked to were less personally forthcoming, while also taking a hard line against any kind of infidelity.

“Cheating can destroy somebody. It’s a deadly thing to do. It’s probably the biggest reason for divorce in our society.” –Robert D—, 25

“I think cheating is wrong, selfish, and just hurtful. If you no longer feel like staying in a relationship, at least have the decency to end it before pursuing another one.” –Ivan H—, 26

Photo by Malik Earnest on Unsplash

Look, the bottom line is that relationships are hard, and infidelity is rampant. Focus on emotional connection with your primary partner if you want to avoid trouble. 

“For me, my boyfriends have usually been my closest of friends. They are who I would turn to first for emotional support … if you are looking for emotional support elsewhere then why are you in the main relationship? I haven’t cheated on anyone. I have toed the line a bit when relationships are winding down by starting to get involved with someone else rather quickly. That’s usually been because I do not feel an emotional commitment to the boyfriend at the time. It may also be a coping mechanism to help distract me from the pain of breakups (which I find horribly painful, no matter who does the actual breaking up) but I do not consider that cheating.” –Sarah H—, 25

An extremely edited version of this piece published in Dose on September 15, 2005. See clipping below.

Published in Dose, September 15, 2005.

2018: I got most of these quotes by email.

I basically spammed my entire list of contacts with the questions and lots of people responded. Very little of the content made it into the final piece. And even this web piece leaves much on the cutting room floor, which is perhaps for the best.

I have removed some last names from this web copy. I’m sure some of my pals (and even ex-pals) would rather not be associated with this nonsense. Particularly now that we’re no longer goofy people in our twenties.