MOVIES | The Secret Life of Pets toddler review.

Why do small children have such horrific taste? Last month, I had so much hope. My child (now 22 months) had seen her first film, Finding Dory, and I felt good about it. Dory was palatable, child-friendly fare. Nothing too over-the-top, nothing particularly offensive. Sure, she was too young to really get it, but nothing about letting her watch it made me feel guilty.

The Secret Life of Pets is a different thing entirely.

I hate this movie. She loves it.

We saw it because our local big-screen theatre offers free screenings of not-so-new flicks in the mornings, all summer long. It’s a camp thing. An excellent, air-conditioned thing to do with a small child when it’s 35 degrees (celsius!) in the shade, every day, by 10 am.

The offerings, however, leave much to be desired.

Still, they’re free, and my child is tiny. What’s the harm, I thought to myself.

Oh, self. Self, you fool.

Look, The Secret Life of Pets is another one of those ‘this is kind of for grown ups’ films. Like, was it fucking necessary to have chronic-masturbator creep Louis C.K. doing one of the main voices? Who exactly was that casting choice supposed to cater to?

And why is Kevin Hart always. always. always. yelling?

Eric Stonestreet’s Duke was fine. Jenny Slate’s Gidget was fine. Everybody else was pretty much fine. But like, so much of this film was just … wtf. It’s like an illustration of how ignorant the world is. People love these jokes. These adult jokes that can’t ever really be properly explained to children, so all they really get is that it’s funny to laugh at fat people, it’s funny to laugh at butt scratch, it’s funny when people get hurt and fall down. None of this is funny, but I guess in the wider world, I’m in the minority here. People love this shit. Because people are terrible. Toddlers (who are people) are also often terrible, so of course, The Smeetch loved it.

Anyway, here’s a funny video where she “reviews” it for you. This is part of a series! Enjoy!