RANT | Confession: I’m done my Christmas shopping already.

Not only that, I’ve been done since before Halloween. Sure, if something jumps out at me, I might add in an item here or there, but I shop early because I like to spend as little as possible, and I hate crowds and lines and waiting, so I like to Ebay, and buy things at thrift stores, and just generally prepare very very early, a little bit at a time. It makes for a much happier holiday, in my opinion. Highly recommend. Also, it’s SO MUCH CHEAPER. I love Christmas, even though I’m an anti-capitalist grump, so I’m trying to manage those conflicting aspects of my personality.

The “thneed” factory.

Anyway, I was nonetheless in Target the other day because I wanted Smeetch to see the Christmas decorations and frankly, finding activities to fill the day with a toddler is HARD, and Target is a good option. Anyway, we came across something so incomprehensible, I just have to share it with you.

It’s a decorative gold turkey (supposedly, but it’s more the size of a roast chicken) made of aluminum and finished in a gold tone. Roasted-style. I mean, you can see the image above, right?

And it’s just the stupidest fucking thing ever. I hate it.

I mean, I really fucking hate it. This decorative gold turkey is an affront and I despise it with the blazing fire of a thousand suns.

It costs $24.99, for goodness sake! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Look, I appreciate a decorative object as much as the next person, and stylistically, I am a maximalist for sure. But this is just … taking it too far.

Still from the TV special The Lorax (1972) shows a polluted landscape and a road lined with advertising for “thneeds”.

For so many reasons, I often feel like we are in the end-of-days right now. Culturally, environmentally, etc. That horrible man is the president. That other horrible man is the Premier of Ontario. It feels a little like we’re nearing the Fall-o-Rome tipping point, as it were. Objects like this heighten that sensation.

Everything about this fucking decorative gold turkey is wrong.

Recently, Smeetch has become interested in The Lorax. We’ve read the book several times. And we watched  the television special from 1972 on Hulu and she was very invested in and concerned with the fate of the Truffula trees, assorted Bar-ba-loots and, of course, The Lorax itself (himself? themself?). She clocked immediately onto the Once-ler as the villain.

“That mean old Once-ler!” she says. “He is nasty yuck!”

And, I mean, the child is entirely correct. (By the way, Hulu describes the special with the line, “A ruined industrialist tells his tale of his environmentally self-destructive greed despite the warnings of an old forest creature.” We’re all on the same page here.)

And, I’m sorry, but this decorative gold turkey thing is a “thneed” if I’ve ever seen one. A thneed that nobody needs! It’s disgusting.

I may well be alone in this. Folks at House Beautiful and Food & Wine seem to like this particular thneed, or maybe they’re just in it for the click bait or are trying to be sarcastic? Who knows.

Who, indeed? I know. A three year old child knows. This decorative gold turkey is fucking ridiculous. Period.

Go home, Target. You are drunk.