Can you afford a butler?
CULTURE | Can you afford a butler?
A version of this piece of utterly shameful diarrhea published in Dose on June 6, 2005, shown below. More stupid culture pieces are here.
“Thank you Jeeves. That will be all.”
Sigh. To say those words in real life would be sweet, wouldn’t it? Alas, for most of us, domestic helpers are totally outside the realm of possibility.
Or are they?
Believe it or not, having hired help isn’t the exclusive right of the rich, famous, and full-of-themselves.
Hey, The Brady Bunch had six kids and a single source of income and they managed Alice. Granted, times have changed, Boomers are evil, and that was a TV show, not real life, but we’ve been thinking about it and you know what?
You could do it too.
Seriously, if you’ve ever thought, “If only I had a personal chef/trainer/stylist/assistant, I’d be fabulous too,” we at Dose have a message for you: Chin up! It turns out it’s totally doable.
WHEN YOU WANT: A Cleaner
BECAUSE YOU’RE LIKE, “Cleaning?! How horrid!”
Vacuuming and laundry aren’t exactly insurmountable goals, no matter how busy you are. The difference between the people who don’t do their own and you is that they’re not afraid of looking (and even being) a little pompous and self-indulgent about how they spend their time. It may sound highfaluting, but you could learn something from these deluded anti-domestics.
Get that maid
If you’re looking for a full-on Rosario, consider a recruiter or your local community centre’s bulletin boards, but if you just want occasional help, try professional cleaners like Merry Maids. They’ll vacuum, scrub, wash, and tidy (with their own products), and while cost depends on the size of your home, the Merry Maids website estimates a cleaning visit for a three-bedroom, two-bath house at around $75 to $120, so your apartment won’t break the bank.
WHEN YOU WANT: A Personal Assistant (PA)
BECAUSE YOU’RE LIKE, “You’re my minion! Do as I say!”
Celebrities often hire friends from before-they-were-famous. Some even hire siblings. But just because no one you know wants to be your lap dog, doesn’t mean you can’t have one. A personal assistant can take care of errands from pet care to grocery shopping, leaving you free to nag your family about other stuff.
Get thee a PA
There are plenty of starving students out there who would be happy to walk Fido or drop off your dry cleaning for a few extra bucks and the honour of adding Hollywood sounding “PA” to their resume. Alternately, professional companies like Vancouver’s Errand Girls [defunct] will do “just about anything you would ask of a good friend” from picking you up from day surgery, to house-sitting. Their rates vary, but a one-hour service that requires pickup and hand-delivery runs about $40.
WHEN YOU WANT: A Chef
BECAUSE YOU’RE LIKE, “Oprah’s got nothin’ on me!”
Just think of all the health benefits! Even if low-fat isn’t your thing, having a chef means you get exactly what you want, the way you want it, in your own home, with no prep or clean up. According to the Canadian Personal Chef Association, some clients even report financial savings overall. Hard to believe, but if you put a serious value on your personal time, it makes sense.
Get dat Chef
Stalk the wannabes at a local culinary arts school. They may not be seasoned professionals, but they probably know more than you. Alternately, sourcing sites like Cook4Me [defunct] can help you find a pro. Finally, catering companies have begun to (ahem) cater to individuals recently. For example, Calgary based Cooking for You (www.cookingforyou.ca) offers a sort of gourmet meals-on-wheels service, with full suppers starting at only $13.90, and an extensive menu to choose from.
WHEN YOU WANT: A Butler
BECAUSE YOU’RE LIKE, “My manservant is everything to me.”
According to the International Guild of Professional Butlers, a butler is “anticipatory” and “friendly,” but “not familiar.” He understands “privacy and confidentiality” and is both “invisible and available.” It’s not just a job,” says the site, “it’s a way of life!” And as a result, butlers make mad cash. Traditionally, they command between US$40,000 and US$150,000 per year, but thanks to modern twists on the service, one may still be in your budget.
Get ye a Jeeves:
Butlers for a day are the newest thing in the land of Mr. Belvedere. Whistler-based Butler a la Carte [defunct] features a day package for two that could include a spa day, evening white-glove service, pre-dinner champagne and canapés, a four-course dinner, flowers, truffles, an optional harpist, and then some. It’s relatively pricey. Ten full hours of a butler’s time is going to cost you approximately $500, but it’s not outside the realm of possibility, particularly for a special occasion.
So while you may not have thought so before, a relationship with your very own Jeeves may well be in your future. Just take a cue from L’Oreal, drop the mop, and get lounging, because you’re worth it.
Sidebar:
According to the International Guild of Professional Butlers, here are the top ten reasons why a butler might kick the professional bucket.
- QUIT – Lack of appreciation. (Jeeves slaved over a hot stove all day and you didn’t thank him.)
- QUIT – Lack of mutual respect. (My name is Jeeves, madam, not Jeffery!)
- QUIT – Micro management. (Jeeves already knows how to answer the phone, but thanks.)
- QUIT – Money. (Jeeves needs cash too.)
- QUIT – The devil is in the details. (Pooch poo pick-up wasn’t in Jeeves’ job description.)
- QUIT – He could do better. (The neighbours are nicer.)
- SACKED – Insufficient background checks. (Uh-oh! Jeeves is a klepto.)
- SACKED – Poor performance. (“Yo” isn’t an appropriate greeting, Jeeves!)
- SACKED – Crossing the line of professional separation. (Jeeves tried on sir’s underwear.)
- SACKED – Misappropriation of the employer’s property. (Jeeves snaked madam’s wine. Bad Jeeves! Bad!)
Published in Dose, June 6, 2005.